Monday, July 11, 2016

Three Years

Three years have gone by since my mom was taken from this earth. Three whole years. After three years some people may think that I should be over it by now. I mean three years is a long time, but losing a parent at such a young age is never something I will get over. I am hopeful that someday it will hurt a little less to think about it and I will be able to think about memories of my mom without crying. But three years later I don't feel any different about the whole situation. It still feels as fresh as it did three years ago.

There is never a day that passes that I do not think about my mom in some fashion. I find that these days it is easier to bring her up in a casual conversation. Like how my mom used to do this when I was a kid, or remember when she did this? But, usually that is to people who knew her and understand where I am coming from. I still feel those awkward moments when someone who does not know what happened makes a comment about my mom or assumes that she is still alive. I hate that it can be brought up at a time when I least expect it.
I still cannot bring myself to talk about how I feel about everything that happened three years ago. Not even to my own husband. Whenever I think about it I get choked up and I literally cannot say a word. I have to suppress the desire to burst into tears. I try to pretend the date of July 11th does not exist on a calendar because it reminds me of what happened. Even when I set up bills to pay, if I see that date I will purposely avoid it so I don't have to think about it. When I do tell people what happened in a casual conversation, I usually sound so un-emotional about it. Because I can't show my true emotions or I may not recover.

As the time keeps passing, I find it harder to picture what life would be like had she still been here. So much has changed in my life in three years and I can't help but wonder what it would be like if she was still here. But most of the time I can't even see it. What would it have been like had she been around for that birthday party, or that Christmas or that wedding? Would she have visited us in our new city? What would she have said about our fertility journey? It is just too much to even begin to picture that I try not to think about it.
That right there is my problem. I tend to be very good at not letting myself think about things that are painful. Maybe that is why it still feels so fresh and so new. Because I don't let myself think about it too much because I can't handle the pain of it. I can't think about how much my life has changed since she left because it makes me too sad. It hurts too much.

Losing my mom has changed me in so many ways that I don't even know where we would be now if it hadn't happened. Especially when it comes to the fertility stuff because we never would have started trying so soon had it not been for her passing. I also know that I can handle the fertility stuff so much better because its not the worst thing that has happened to me. But I am also terrified that it is going to happen again. That I am going to wake up to a normal day to hear about the loss of another person close to me. That is my biggest fear.

I still continue to miss her every day and wish that I could have more time with her. It just feels so strange, even now, that she is missing so much. Time will continue to heal these wounds, but they still feel pretty fresh three years later.

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