There is never a day that passes that I do not think about my mom in some fashion. I find that these days it is easier to bring her up in a casual conversation. Like how my mom used to do this when I was a kid, or remember when she did this? But, usually that is to people who knew her and understand where I am coming from. I still feel those awkward moments when someone who does not know what happened makes a comment about my mom or assumes that she is still alive. I hate that it can be brought up at a time when I least expect it.
As the time keeps passing, I find it harder to picture what life would be like had she still been here. So much has changed in my life in three years and I can't help but wonder what it would be like if she was still here. But most of the time I can't even see it. What would it have been like had she been around for that birthday party, or that Christmas or that wedding? Would she have visited us in our new city? What would she have said about our fertility journey? It is just too much to even begin to picture that I try not to think about it.
Losing my mom has changed me in so many ways that I don't even know where we would be now if it hadn't happened. Especially when it comes to the fertility stuff because we never would have started trying so soon had it not been for her passing. I also know that I can handle the fertility stuff so much better because its not the worst thing that has happened to me. But I am also terrified that it is going to happen again. That I am going to wake up to a normal day to hear about the loss of another person close to me. That is my biggest fear.
I still continue to miss her every day and wish that I could have more time with her. It just feels so strange, even now, that she is missing so much. Time will continue to heal these wounds, but they still feel pretty fresh three years later.