Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Goodbye, 2015

The last few moments of 2015 were spent with tears on my cheek. The more I reflected on the year the more the tears kept coming. To an outsider, 2015 probably looked pretty busy and full of great moments. There were a lot of moments that were amazing. We said our final goodbye to Louisiana and moved on to Texas. My sister had a baby and I fell in love with my niece. My dad got remarried and we celebrated the night away. My husband found his dream job and together we bought a house. My family came to visit me in Texas and we were able to explore together. I spent so much time in Minnesota celebrating bridal showers and bachelorette parties for both my little sister and one of my best friends. I then spent a solid three weeks in Minnesota in August to help my sister with her wedding and then we celebrated her special day. I then returned a month later to celebrate another wedding with great friends. We headed to Orlando for a fun time and memories that we will never forget.

Yet at the end of the year, I feel like we have hardly accomplished anything this year. Most of everything I listed above were some of the biggest moments in other people's lives. I am happy that I was able to celebrate in their joy, but they were not life changing for me personally. I want the same things I did for 2016 as I did for 2015. But they are out of my control and that is the hardest part for me. My desire to plan out my life and figure out the details has completely vanished because I have no idea where 2016 will take us.

2015 had its big moments, but it was the days in between the big moments that were tough for me. Those who are closest to us have known this for a while, but Richard and I have spent most of 2014 and all of 2015 trying to get pregnant. This has been the most difficult and emotionally draining experience I have ever known. There is month after month of constant heartbreak. I try not to get my hopes up too much with each passing month, but it is impossible not to. Then I have to feel the lows of discovering that another month has passed by and we were unsuccessful. I have shed my fair share of tears. We have no control over it and I have definitely learned to let go.

As we stand on the edge of a New Year it has been hard for me to get excited. I had high hopes of 2015 being the year. The year we get pregnant. The year everything works as it is supposed to. But 2015 ended and I am more cautious about thinking that for 2016. I know it will be a year of trying, but I just have to keep my head high and hope for the best. Because I cannot say with certainty if I will be able to end 2016 with either a baby in my hands or in my belly.

A few weeks ago, we met with a fertility specialist for the first time. I never thought we would need to visit one when we started this journey, but here we are 20 months later. We are just starting out on the path of fertility doctors and tests and plans. I know it could be a long road and I have to be ready to embrace that. We will have to see where this year takes us and maybe, just maybe, we will have our dreams come true in 2016.
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