A lot can change in two years. Two Years. That is how long it has been since I have seen my mom. Since I have talked to her on the phone. Since I have heard her laugh, saw her smile or felt her hug.
In two years time your sister can finish nursing school, graduate college, get engaged and get a job as a nurse. You and your husband can pick up your lives and move to a different state. You can buy a new house. Your other sister can get pregnant and have a baby. Your nephew changes from a tiny 9 month old to a spunky two, almost three year old. Your family can go through hardship and changes that you never imagined would happen.
My life changed in an instant. An instant that can never be taken back. All at the hands of someone else's mistake. I woke up on July 11th, 2013 with a mom who was still alive. By that afternoon, I could no longer say that anymore. Because someone else's rash decision lead the the accident that killed my mother. All she was doing was riding her motorcycle, like she loved to do, and it took someone not paying attention to pull out in front of her and now I am left motherless. My sisters are left motherless. Our kids will never get to meet their grandmother. We will all feel the hole in our lives that should have been filled with her.
I now have a constant fear that someone else who means the world to me can be taken in an instant. Because you never know if you will get to wake up tomorrow. You never know what might happen that will cause your life to change forever. That dreaded phone call could come at any moment and is something that I will fear always.
I can pinpoint the exact moment that everything in my world feels different. When I look back at the last two years and how my relationships have changed and developed it always goes back to that day in July. Everything is different and yet it is all the same. No one would see the difference unless they were looking through my eyes.
Losing a parent long before they should be lost is something that cannot be explained. The pain is more than anyone can imagine and it is not something that gets any easier with time. I still to this day can make myself cry at a moment's notice and I never used to be like that.
Although this pain is hard to bear in a way I am grateful for it. I am grateful that I had a mom who loved me so much that she made it known everyday. I am grateful to have had that relationship with her even though it makes the pain harder now. I am glad that I am able to remember her enough to know that is hurts to be without her. I am happy for the days that we had, even if they are hard to look at right now. Someday the memory of her will not bring me to tears. Someday. Just not today.