Friday, January 17, 2014

Sometimes Life Sucks

I know I know. My blog title tells you that I am supposed to be happy and colorful. And I am most of the time. But sometimes life just sucks. My life is not always rainbows and butterflies. I still try to see the happy side of life, but today I am not feeling it.
This is exactly how I remember her. Short hair, tan, and a huge smile on her face.
As most who have been around long enough know my mother was killed in a motorcycle accident this past July. And the guy who caused the accident by pulling out in front of her was on trial today. And is it wrong of me to want him to spend an eternity in jail and pay millions of dollars for a death that was his fault? Maybe. But if I knew the guy felt remorse then I probably would not care as much. But I have seen his Facebook page and I have seen his driving record. And seeing how nothing has changed in his life since that fateful day I cannot see how he can feel remorse.

The fact of the matter is that my life was changed forever by the actions of another person. And I know that no matter what happens to him that I will never get her back. I know that in my head. But my heart is telling me something very different. My heart is saying that there should be some kind of justice in this situation but there won't be. I mean 30 days in jail is that justice? Sure he will be on probation for a year for his driving, but I still don't know if that is enough. His life should change because it is his fault. He should have seen her. It is not an excuse.

I never thought I would see the day where I have talked to three different lawyers and financial advisers and funeral directors and stupid insurance people who will not cancel her policy even though the policy has lapsed. Lawyers who would then tell us that we cannot file a personal claim against him because it would be a waste. Because if  we won and it was decided that he would have to pay, he could file bankruptcy and never pay a dime while we would have to pay the lawyer. But if the guy had been a mega millionaire, it would have been worthwhile to go after him personally. So basically, when you are in an accident it matters who hits you. And the other lawyer telling us that we will not win a case for workman's compensation because she was on her way to work and that is not considered to be at  work. But if it had happened while she drove from one patient to the next, she would have been considered at work. And if we could prove that she wrote emails or made phone calls before she left the house, then we could prove that she had started her work day before she left the house. But anything that would have told us that was with her on the motorcycle that started on fire after she was hit. Her phone, her computer, her notes, everything.

I never realized the number of people you would have to call after the death of a loved one. All the credit card companies and landlords and doctors and hospitals and banks and insurance companies and everybody else that needed to know she would no longer be paying her bills. Or trying to guess at all of the places where she had accounts or was paying. Because she did not have a will and you have no idea where she kept anything. Everyone needs to get a will.  Or in my sister's case, trying to track down all of the places she got oil changes in the last 3 years because you need it for warranty purposes on her car.

Or having to go to your mothers house and go through everything that she owned. Clothes she wore that you remember her wearing that you simply cannot get rid of, but you do not ever want to look at. Or seeing the little figurine that you gave her on your wedding day just sitting in the window of her kitchen. Or picking out the clothes she is going to wear at her funeral. Being grateful that she gave her dog away to her mother only a few months prior to the accident. And being thankful for the abundance of family who came to the rescue when we needed them most. And they came to help clean out my mom's house even though they were on my dad's side of the family and my parents were divorced.

Or how you will be mid conversation with someone and they mention your parent(plural) or your mother in the present tense and you freeze not know whether to correct them or to let it go. Not knowing if they forgot or if they simply just do not know. How could they forget something that is such a huge part of your life?

My life changed forever on that day. I will never be the same person. Everything in my life has changed. There is a constant feeling that something is missing. My life changed, so why shouldn't his?

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